Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
