My brain says no but my pants say off.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
