Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
