I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
