i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Randomize
