the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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