I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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