She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
