dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
