K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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