I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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