Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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