I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
