She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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