No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
