don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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