Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
