theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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