Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
