The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
