when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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