So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
