Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
