I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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