Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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