omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
