I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
