I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
