I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
