I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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