I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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