Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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