walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
