Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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