I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
