i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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