there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
