Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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