Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
