So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
