I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
