"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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