I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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