someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
