Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
