so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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