...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
