He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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