not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
