she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
What a dumb baby whore.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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