Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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