I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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